a sinking & yet hopeful feeling; my inner monologue

Finding inner peace is my constant struggle.

..because it is not a check list type event.

I may have everything I [think I] want --

a small, but cozy home that I love,

a happy and healthy relationship,

a great job -- a job I thought was my dream job,

a funny and terrific and supportive family,

friends who would do anything for me...

Sometimes everything is going well -- sometimes everything is going seemingly perfectly -- and I still do not feel at peace with myself.

I am constantly learning who I am deep in my heart and how to align my life with my inner desires and dreams.

I saw a therapist once. His focus was on an idea proposed by the great Mahatma Ghandi: "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

Some days I wake up, and I feel that my current life's journey is taking me on a road to reach this blissful consistency of character...

Other days, I wake up and wonder how in the world I ever thought I was even close to the right path.

This is a little of an abstract idea, but I strive to accept and remember that perfect harmony in what I think, what I say and what I do is quite honestly impossible.

It is impossible because I am a human being meant to adapt and grow and change for the better and sometimes worse and if I ever was content with being the same forever, I would be stuck in my development as a human being. (Maybe this is where the "Ignorance is bliss" quote plays in.)

That being said, I believe working toward the goal of harmony in my thoughts and words and actions is the best way to be true to myself and to keep moving forward on those days when I just don't want to keep moving forward. Being aware of the inner desire my soul has for this special kind of consistency has forced me to constantly reevaluate what I want and need on a deeper level than just checking items off of a life to-do list.

These are all rantings of a day full of self-reflection and Dr. Pepper.

let's share some prince royce love

You're welcome.

oscar wilde quotes

I have recently discovered that Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite literary human beings.

Here are some of his quotes that I love:

"The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future"

"No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist."

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more."

My favorite quote by Oscar Wilde is one I try to live by:

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

stateside missionary disappointment.

Once upon a time, I had a tiny fear of being called to serve my mission "stateside".

And then I was called stateside!

And it was actually okay. The more I learned about my mission, the more excited I became.

Most people are wonderful and SO EXCITED for me!

But sometimes people say dumb things like 

"Well that's disappointing.."

"I would've thought you'd go somewhere like blank or blank." 

[insert generic 'it'll be okay'/giving-condolences type statement]

Once one of my friends told me she theorized only weird sisters serve stateside. (Ouch, right!) (And very wrong, to be clear.)

Sometimes I get pouty and feel sad I am going to the at-one-time-dreaded stateside mission. 

And then I feel guilty and wonder if I'm a bad person because I feel that way. 

I kind of feel exactly like this...

 It's okay to feel disappointed. 

It's okay to cry.

It's okay to pray to Heavenly Father and tell Him exactly how you feel.

Just remember, though, that there's a much bigger picture to your mission than the state and city you read in your letter. Also remember that someday you will feel foolish for crying over it.

But we all need a good pity party sometimes.

Jacob 4:8 Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knoweth of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God.

Helaman 5:47 Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in My Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world.

I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go

1. 1. It may not be on the mountain height
   Or over the stormy sea,
   It may not be at the battle's front
   My Lord will have need of me.
   But if, by a still, small voice he calls
   To paths that I do not know,
   I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
   I'll go where you want me to go.
2. (Chorus)
   I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
   Over mountain or plain or sea;
   I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
   I'll be what you want me to be.

But, really, I AM SO EXCITED TO GO TO THE CALIFORNIA L.A. MISSION!

ADDED 4/24: FLIPSIDE // STATESIDE MISSIONARY DISAPPOINTMENT 

we could all use a little more ryan gosling in our lives.

Or is that just me?

march 21st: World Down Syndrome Day

 

http://www.worlddownsyndromeday.org/

Strength (poem)

This is the first poem I have ever written. I dedicate it to my mom, who is the strongest person I know.

"Feminism is Having a Wardrobe Malfunction" by Megan Rosalarian Gedris

 

-  http://rosalarian.tumblr.com/post/78124344560/feminism-is-having-a-wardrobe-malfunction-does

I LOVE this cartoon...

I think feminism should be about allowing women to have the space and ability in society to do whatever they want to do in their life.

I do not think feminism should be about flip-flopping from women being expected to cook, clean and care for kids in the home and being judged for leaving the home to work to expecting women to work outside the home and judging them when they choose to stay at home. This applies to every choice a woman makes in her life -- her clothes, her career, family planning, etc. 

If we combat societal expectations with more societal expectations, we are not solving the problem.

Not Waving but Drowning

Not Waving but Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning. 

Stevie Smith

The Fourth Missionary

http://www.scribd.com/doc/34660140/The-Fourth-Missionary

palabras

Ecuador Archives: Puerto Quito

Just a few photos with no particular significance, except that they are of my favorite place in the whole world.

(my fake & beloved Ray-Bans)


Next on my Ecuadorian adventures: Porch Sitting & my Best Friend Betty.

Ecuador Archives: Porch Sitting & My Best Friend Betty

Hobbies.

Betty, the only other American living in my Ecuadorian town of Puerto Quito, and I developed a few new ones while in Ecuador.

Knitting:

[Oh darn! I lack a proper photo of us knitting, Betty. I assure you, though, this became a large part of our lives. We spent many days/evening knitting in my house or hers, making scarves. And only scarves because we had not learned to make anything else yet. And by "we" made scarves, I mean usually I worked on the same scarf I'd been working on for months while Betty knit a few lines and then redid it because it wasn't good enough.. over and over again. That's my perfectionist Betty.]

Walking / Rain Forest Exploring:

We found a cute little oasis a few miles out of Puerto Quito during one of our walking adventues.

Cooking

Okay... Betty did most of the cooking... all of the cooking...

Double Dating

Oh, the memories...

Archutilla Hunting:

  Bags of them. Good work us.

All of these hobbies were great, but our favorite newly acquired hobby?

Porch Sitting.

Yes, you heard that correctly.

Let me explain for those of you novices in the art of Porch Sitting:

This is Betty's house.

Otherwise known as the perfect Porch Sitting location.

Let me zoom in a little bit:

It's pretty simple. Betty and I sit on the corner of the sidewalk, facing the street.

Really, that's it. 

We fill our time talking about nothing or our jobs or boys or life goals. Feel free to talk about whatever you'd like. Topic of conversation does not affect the quality of your Porch Sitting Session. We say hi to passers-by. We people watch. 

This Porch Sitting Time is yours. As long as you stay on your porch, the rules are not very strict.

Leading expert in the field, Aidan Holloway-Bidwell, teaches us more on the subject:

 "Porch sitting, not to be confused with porch standing, or its similar counterpart, reclined porch sitting, has been a common practice for longer than you might imagine. All one really needs to join the ranks of porch sitters around the world is a chair (rocking chair is usually preferred) and the willpower to just sit. Oh, and a porch."

This location is particularly ideal because the road you see leads out of town, so many motorcycles (sometimes being driven by cute Ecuaboys whom I have been known to whistle at a time or two *cough*) and cars and people use it to go inside and outside of Puerto Quito.

"I would say the most rewarding part of Porch Sitting is feeling completely calm and welcoming of whatever your day brings. Some porch sitting sessions end in fascinating conversations with total strangers. Others simply end because it's 8:30 and dark and you figure you should go home and eat dinner. Either way, you leave that porch with a newfound feeling of fulfillment."

-Quote from an avid Porch Sitter (me)

Some of us are not as fortunate, though..

 "A lot of people have no porches to sit on..." Galen Tsongas, San Francisco Resident, writes. He continues: "A sad story... But no matter how much I wish for a porch to sit on, one won't appear, and the bureaucratic city government hears not my pleas for such an addition to the apartment complex..."

Please be aware of our porchless sisters and brothers and, if possible, offer them a rocking chair next to yours.

Next on my Ecuadorian adventure: I leave Ecuador...

My Day In Photos (Quito):

moments.

Sometimes you can walk past something a thousand times and never see how absolutely breath-taking it is. 

Usually my nights are spent working on whatever homework assignment I have inevitably put off until the last minute or attempting to make my sewing skills less feeble or, well, sleeping (definitely more of the first two).

A few days ago, though, I took a second to walk outside and look at the world from my Iowa perspective. Not just glance at it while I walked past, onto the next item on my checklist. Really look.

My defeated, little camera just could not quite capture the pure, white glow of the moon etched into the background of a quiet and spacious field. 

The simple but refined beauty of a mowed field spotted with weeds (which, to me, are just as gorgeous as any flower). 

My camera lost any trace of those heavenly stars, flickering, but constant. 

Bright. 

Beautiful. 

And it completely failed to record the soft breeze that brought sweet smells of fresh, chilled air, newly cut grass and spring. 

Those are moments that will only be able stay in my memories, and in my words that I pour into this little blog.

I have a few months left in Iowa, and I want to spend so much more of that time really looking and really seeing the moments around me. The precious, pulchritudinous and just plain pretty moments.  And  focus on loving every second of those lovely moments. 

Because what is life if not a string of moments?

if my heart could sing

how i love this song.

"specks", by matt pond PA.

it has inspired me today, and i just couldn't keep that all to myself.

have a beautiful day!